Lifehack: Hushing a Troublesome Boy

Creative Nonfiction

by Chad Musick

Who doesn’t dream at night of dosing her son with ipecac and then, when he goes to vomit, just... shutting the lid? One terrible accident, and you can dine out on the tragedy for years.

Unfortunately, those little monsters we call boys can surprise us. Perhaps yours didn’t even make it to the toilet before leaving a mess, or didn’t know he should have been too ashamed to tell about the suppositories your husband had to give him. Is he a doctor, to judge how far in they should be pushed, and by what?

Before you begin, be sure to gather your materials: 1 wire hanger 1 pair of wire clippers 1 drill 1 pair of ear plugs

That’s it. No rubber hose required, no towels to clean up blood. Minimal assembly required. Works on any number of boys.

First, drill small holes in door jamb above and below level of doorknob. Second, unwind head of hanger. With wire clippers, snip off ends. Shove boy(s) into room. Slam door. Third, wrap wire around doorknob and thread ends through the holes you drilled earlier. Twist ends together. Fourth, put in earplugs. Check periodically for noise. When screaming has stopped and only whimpering can be heard, unwire door. Exceeding 24 hours is not recommended.

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Chad Musick is a mathematician and writer/editor who lives in Japan with his family. He has recently been published in Mojave He[art] Review and has work forthcoming in Lonesome October Lit.