Lifehack: Hushing a Troublesome Boy

December 31, 2018




Lifehack: Hushing a Troublesome Boy

Creative Nonfiction

by Chad Musick


Who doesn’t dream at night of dosing her son with ipecac and then, when he goes to vomit, just... shutting the lid? One terrible accident, and you can dine out on the tragedy for years.


Unfortunately, those little monsters we call boys can surprise us. Perhaps yours didn’t even make it to the toilet before leaving a mess, or didn’t know he should have been too ashamed to tell about the suppositories your husband had to give him. Is he a doctor, to judge how far in they should be pushed, and by what?


Before you begin, be sure to gather your materials:
1 wire hanger
1 pair of wire clippers
1 drill
1 pair of ear plugs


That’s it. No rubber hose required, no towels to clean up blood. Minimal assembly required. Works on any number of boys.


First, drill small holes in door jamb above and below level of doorknob.
Second, unwind head of hanger. With wire clippers, snip off ends. Shove boy(s) into room. Slam door.
Third, wrap wire around doorknob and thread ends through the holes you drilled earlier. Twist ends together.
Fourth, put in earplugs.
Check periodically for noise. When screaming has stopped and only whimpering can be heard, unwire door. Exceeding 24 hours is not recommended.




Chad Musick is a mathematician and writer/editor who lives in Japan with his family. He has recently been published in Mojave He[art] Review and has work forthcoming in Lonesome October Lit.


Share on Facebook
Share on Twitter
Please reload

Featured Posts

The Arc of the Moral Universe is Long and Bends Toward Conflation

April 20, 2020

Please reload

Recent Posts

November 24, 2019

November 24, 2019

Please reload

Please reload

Search By Tags
Please reload

  • Facebook Social Icon
  • Twitter Social Icon
  • Instagram Social Icon

Copyright © 2020 Rhythm & Bones. All Rights Reserved.